Letting Go…

 I’ve been in a quandary over this for a little while.

 It seems like a simple decision, but it’s one that I am having some difficulty with. It involves letting go.

Let me digress….I’ve never been very athletic. When I was in 7th grade, I lost weight through diet and simple exercise. When I was in 8th grade, I ran track because my friend asked me to. (I ended up with a bloody knee during a practice, and I still have a faint scar to remember it by!) In high school, I played club soccer because another friend who had recently moved to the area missed soccer and wanted to start a team. We needed players, she recruited friends, and I played. I enjoy physical activity, but I am no athlete. Yet, a few years ago when I became ill (see my About post), I needed an outlet, something to relieve my frustration and fear. So, I began running. Running is not anything I ever did beyond the mile in track. But, I began running. I ran in all forms of weather. I enjoyed the solo runs-just me, my thoughts, and my Heavenly Father.

To be honest, if I look back, I know running was also a way to keep my weight down. When I was ill and battling through my issues, I teetered barely above 100 pounds. I wasn’t able to eat a lot, and when I did, I burned it off quickly due to the infection. Yet, running served as my sanity and release. I couldn’t control what was happening to my body, but I could control to a certain extent how I felt through running. It gave me a purpose to wake up early and hit the pavement. I loved to run. I ran multiple 5Ks. I’ve ran 10Ks. I loved to run.

On multiple visits to see my nutritionist, she has voiced that she would rather I walk due to everything my body has been through. I have always protested telling her how much I love running. Only, lately, I’m not so sure I do.

The other day, I was running. The cold air felt refreshing, but the way I felt running did not. Lately, it kind of feels like my body is being jarred out of place when I run. It’s hard to explain. I have chronic colitis, and the running seems to aggravate my symptoms at times.

So, I struggle….do I want to, should I, do I need to take a break from running, give it up all together? I have several friends who run. I have no issue with running. I am not here to debate the running versus walking debate. This is completely about me and what is best for me. So, why then is it so hard? Why not just take up walking?

I love to walk. In fact, before I began running, I walked regularly. What I think is the lesson for me here, is a lesson in letting go. I looked at running as a way to control what I could not control.I used it to control my weight. I used it to control my emotions. It was something I never thought I was able to do, yet I did it.

If I am truly going to submit to God’s will for my life and what is personally best for me, then I need to submit and let go of the things that are standing in the way between Him and me. I think my own steps are. I believe we have seasons in our lives. Running was a season.

My running shoes need a new name: my walking shoes. Trying to run to lose weight or look like someone I am not created to be is not what God wants for my life. I can no longer hide behind running. It’s time to let go.